Summer Time Bickering Can Lead to Bonding

I love summertime: camping, hiking and swimming. But my favorite part of summer is having more alone time with my kids. They are home from school and all mine. Unfortunately, within the first few weeks (or sometimes even first few days) I am driven to making the pronouncement, “I AM DONE.” There’s no bonding, just a lot of bickering. Why?

Each member of a family has their own specific idea of how the family should operate. When our ideas conflict, a fight or bickering ensues. And being in close proximity to each other for extended periods of time without the distraction of school can compound the problem. But bickering can actually be good. It lets us know as parents that ideas are clashing and it gives the family an opportunity to address issues that have been avoided during the school year.

Be proactive

The easiest way to head off, or at least reduce, summertime bickering is to have a family meeting before summer break begins. Be proactive and find out what your children’s visions of summertime fun really look like. Be open to what the child wants to communicate. As a parent and leader of the family, it is sometimes hard to give children power and choices regarding the operation and plans of the family. But they’re family too and their ideas have merit. Their ability to express their ideas is empowering and allows them to develop positive self-esteem. Our family meeting consisted of making a list of what our children wanted to do (have sleepovers every day) and didn't want to do (household chores) over the summer.

Boundaries for arguments and bickering

The bottom line is that we are the parents. We want a long-term relationship with our children and our respect for their ideas is critical to their self-esteem. So, while my kids’ idea of no chores was unacceptable, the idea of many sleepovers was acceptable. We didn't dictate how and when the chores had to be done, allowing the children more freedom since it was summer. Chores were, however, our bargaining chip in negotiating time for each child to have an opportunity to pursue one of their ideas (a sleepover).

Recurrent conflicts

This all sounds fine, but the reality is that – despite our pre-planning – unplanned things do occur. Our job as parents is to stop and have another family meeting to discuss how the intrusion has altered our plans. Some of my children accept change and others have a very difficult time with it, even if it is a good change. Discussing change as thoroughly as possible is necessary for children to feel they have been able to discuss their feelings. In our family, bickering occurs among the kids most often when they feel that their parents or siblings are ignoring their ideas or opinions. This is why we need to stop and renegotiate the real issue. This involves talking and being open to what they want to say.

Alliances

When there are more than two people in a family, two will often form an alliance against the other. Hopefully in a two-parent family, the alliance between mom and dad can’t be broken, especially in front of the children. The problem occurs when two of the children, for example, unite against another familymember. It’s natural to be unaware of alliances within your family, but to get a better sense of your family’s dynamics, ask yourself questions like: “What family member do I tend to agree (or disagree) with most often? When the children are fighting, whose side do I generally take?” These alliances are normal and should change from situation to situation and not disrupt the functioning of the family. However, if they become long lasting or rigid, they can cause damage. This is an interesting conversation to have with your children. You will be amazed at their responses and it will give you more insight into the family. We were shocked to realize that our boys have an alliance against their yelling sister; that’s something we need to be more aware of. 

Children learn by example

Never forget that children learn by example. Do the parent figures in the home resolve disagreements with successful reconciliation? Do parent and child disagreements end in reconciliation? You are teaching your child how to handle disagreements in a manner that they will imitate their entire life. My youngest son runs away whenever my husband and I disagree. He says we’re fighting. It is essential that we explain to him we’re just having a disagreement and be sure he sees that it is resolved in a peaceful manner. The problem is you never know when your children are listening, so assume they always are…because they are. 

Summertime bonding is wonderful. Summertime bickering is a chance for family growth, which in reality leads to healthier bonding. So enjoy the bickering that leads to lasting bonding. Peace and happy summer.